


Let the rain wash away all the  pain of yesterday

by Duchessa712



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Bisexual Addison Montgomery, Bisexual Meredith Grey, Dead Derek Shepherd, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Second Person, Post-Season/Series 11, Pregnancy, Sad Addison Montgomery, Sad Meredith Grey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:00:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27972758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duchessa712/pseuds/Duchessa712
Summary: It's three in the morning when Meredith Grey finds herself at Addison Montgomery's doorstep. Derek is dead and she doesn't know where to go, not when Seattle is suffucating whit memories and she has just discovered she is pregnant.(No Jake and Private Practice characters are only mentioned)
Relationships: Addison Montgomery & Amelia Shepherd, Alex Karev & Addison Montgomery, Meredith Grey & Addison Montgomery, Meredith Grey & Alex Karev, Meredith Grey & Derek Bailey Shepherd & Ellis Shepherd & Zola Shepherd, Meredith Grey/Addison Montgomery
Comments: 33
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

It's three in the morning when you find her at your doorstep and you know, whitout a doubt, things are getting more complicated. 

It's three in the morning and some weeks (you don't know how many:time is irrelevant in circumstances like this one) after Amelia called, a mess of sobbs and whispers and _Derek is dead, he's dead!_ and you spent those days trying to breath and not to crumble and to sort out all your feelings because what should you fell anyway?! It's not like there are instructions written somewhere about how one should feel after the dead of someone they have been married to for eleven years! 

And now here she is. Meredith Grey (Shepherd... No, knowing her she didn't take her husband's name. Too indipendente... Or maybe she simply didn't want to repeat her predecessor's errors), whit tired eyes and tired face and hunched shoulders and two sleeping children at her sides. 

-Can I come in? - her voice is rough, like she hasn't used it for some time. 

You are too surprised to speak and so nod and close the door and tell her to sit down and put the children on the sofa and.... What should you say to her, to the widow of your ex-husband? What can you say to make her understand that you know how she feels because you loved Derek maybe not how she did, certainly not how he loved her but you did, you do? But you fear to overstep and she isn't speaking, she is simply staring at the wall and the silence is uncomfortable and awakard but you don't know how to break it. 

-Derek is dead-. She struggles whit every word and you feel a lump in your throat but nods and let her continue. 

-I couldn't stay there. I didn't know where to go- she whispers almost apologetically and you take her hand murmuring (because you are falling and falling and falling but now is not important) - It's okay. You can stay here until you want. I have another room for your children and you can take my bed. I'll sleep on the couch-. 

You don't ask her what you want to know, _if she told anyone she was leaving, how is she, how is Amelia, what will happen_ , because she seems to be on the point to shatter in a tiny million pieces. 

There will be time tomorrow, or today, because is past three in the morning and Meredith Grey is sitting on your coach whit her two sleeping children while your own sleeping son is in his bed. 

-Come Meredith. You have to sleep-. 

~~~~~~

You don't know if she really is sleeping or simply lying in an unfamiliar bed crying over Derek and thinking about what she lost. 

You don't know because you're lying in your son's bed, stroking his hairs and controlling your breathing because you can't cry, not yet, not now. Not when Meredith has come to you for reasons neither can understand. Not when in the other rooms there are two children who have lost their father and will wake up in a new house whit new people. You can't break because you are still thinking about Amelia, worried to death about what she can do now that Derek is dead and she is away, at Seattle, where you can't help her or protect her. 

You know isn't healthy but you have to do, you have to think about anything that isn't you and how Derek's dead is affecting you (and again how should it affect you? It's normal that sometimes you can't breath or feel like the world is spinning and you can't stop the tears?). 

You breath slowly through your mouth, trembling in the effort to control your sobs and decide to get up before waking Henry. The sun is barely visible, painting the sky pink and making glisten the sea. It's dawn and you spent another sleepless night. 

-It's beautiful-. Meredith isn't less tired than three bourse before, when she presented herself at your house, but she has brushed her hairs and changed her clothes. 

-Yeah, especially at this time of the day. It's quite and peaceful-. 

She is silent and you bite your lip, a million of question running trough your mind but you don't know where to start (or if you can start). So you stay silent and let her make all the decisions. 

After some minutes that seem to stretch out to infinity you can't tolerate the silence (too many thoughts and too many pain, but shht... Meredith doesn't have to know). 

-Does anyone know you're here? - 

-They know I went away-

-They will be worried-. 

She nods but stay still, eyes looking at the horizon or maybe trought it, at the past where she was happy and complete. 

-I can't... They want me to return... I can't talk... I.... -. Her voice breaks at every word and you take on of her hands and shake your head. 

-You don't have to do anything. Tell me who I have to call-. 

-Alex-. 

You are surprised. You were expecting Yang's name because she is Meredith person, the one who was always at her side no matter how big a problem could be. In your mind they were always together, like a package deal, Grey and Yang(and Stevens and O'Malley and Karev. But one has gone away and the other has been run over by a bus saving a stranger and only Karev remains of the five interns you have tought so many years ago), but you don't ask and borrow her phone. You only have Callie and Richard and Miranda's number and the time you have called can be counted on your hands. 

The sun is still rising and you watch it, fascinated while at the other end of the country, in rainy and gloomy Seattle, a phone is ringing. 

-Mere? -. There is so much hope in such little word and you feel a little bad at crushing it whit on single sentence. 

-No. I'm not Meredith-

-Addison?-. You are surprised because you didn't expect him to recognize you, not after so many years you don't see each other, but he has always have the pleasent ability to surprise you so... 

-The one and only-. Meredith, who has been at your side until some seconds ago, has disappeared inside and it's exactly what you expected. 

-Is Meredith whit you? -. Straight to the point, so maybe those interns haven't changed completely since you met them, when your life was a mess and there was a triangle or square or.. How many peoe were caught up in the end of your marriage, exactly? 

-She arrived this night whit the children and I don't think she will return anytime soon-

-Thank you- he exhales, making you understand how much he has been worried at not finding his friend and her kids. 

-Karev... - 

-Yeah? - he asks tired. Does he spent his night tossing and turning in bed, too? 

-Can you... Would you...? -. You takes a deep breath and try again. - Will you keep an I on Amelia? While I'm taking care of Meredith, will you...? - 

-Consider it done- he interrupts you and you feel a little better because your sister is in good hands, because no one know how to take care of frail things better than Alex Karev and you are sure this, at least, hasn't changed. 

-Thank you-

-Addison... Are you okay? - 

-Yes, why wouldn't I be? - 

-You're crying-he replies matter of factly and you touch you cheek and yeah, he's right:you're crying. And now that you started you don't want to stop. 

-It's okay, I'm okay. Are you? Okay? - 

-Yes. Now that I know Meredith is safe, I'm okay-, which you understand isn't a complete lie but neither the complete truth. 

You stay here, tears cascading down your face, the sun making your hairs shine, the phone clutched in one hand while whit the other you try to stop your sobbs, when you hear some movements upstair. 

The children are awake and the day has only begun. 


	2. Chapter 2

The children seem to click immediately, but maybe is simply because Henry has always been quiet and Zola has the eyes of someone so much older than her and Bailey is too little to really process what happened. But they accept each other's presence immediately and this is good, because you really haven't enough energy to worry about their tantrums. Meredith shares your idea judging by the relieved look she cast the three kids sitting at the table eating their breakfast. 

You leave a kiss in Henry's hairs and he smiles widely showing a missing teeth and any other day you would have laugh and tickle him but now you are too tired (before Meredith arrived you asked yourself what would have happened if you had collapsed, worn out by tiredness and grief and only your son would have found you).

-I speak whit Karev. He will take care of everything until you return-. 

Meredith nods and still looking at the children whit a lost gaze that scare you. What is she thinking? What will she do once she won't to stay here anymore? 

Too many thoughts, but thoughts are good. Thoughts don't give you time to feel. 

-How are you, Addison? - 

-What? - 

-Yeah, I mean, I barged into your home in the middle of the night and you take me in whitouth blinking and you give me your bed and your room and I'm such a mess I don't even stop and ask how are you-. 

You feels a laugh bubble in your chest and die on your lips, but laughing will distract you and then you will cry and you can't cry, not in front of her, not in front of the children (not even alone because you always have a strange relationship whit feelings, and your history make it even more clear). 

-I'm fine-

-Fine fine or Meredith fine? - she asks and seeing the confusion on your face explains-Really fine or I'm falling to pieces but pretending otherwise so noone will have to worry about me-fine? -. 

You have never been good at telling lies and keeping secrets, not the one concerning your life, because for everyone's secret you are a tomb (you're father and you're mother and Archer... You have been surrounded by secrets all your life). But. Meredith is the one falling to pieces, the one who run away in the middle of the night, the one who is a widowe and whit two children and you are going to lie again when she takes your hand and forces you to look at her. No. She is looking at you, at your glassy eyes and trembling lips and... 

-It's okay to not be okay- she whispers and is the push you needed evidently because something is breaking inside you and the pain you tried to block out is finally hitting you. 

(You aren't crying but you feel faint and Meredith's hand on your arm is the only thing keeping you standing). 

-It's okay to be hurt because you loved him, too. I know you loved him like you loved Mark and I know he loved you, too-. 

You close your eyes and will the words to sooth your aching heart. You loved him as you loved Mark, as the friends you feared you have lost that faithful night so many years ago. (They loved you, too. It's okay to be hurt). 

-I'm not fine-you admit in a whisper

-Neither am I- replies Meredith. 

Maybe you can be not fine together. Until you both need it. Until she will have to go home.

~~~~~~

That evening, after Bailey and Zola discovered the beauty of sea, after Henry came to you telling he was glad for his two new friends, after you put all three of them to bed, you and Meredith are sitting on your couch, a bottle of wine between you. 

The silence is different then the other night, is comfortable and you bask in the quietness, when you notice she is deep in thoughts she is trying to put into words. 

-There is a reason-

-What? - 

-If I come here. There is a reason. And I couldn't return there, not after I discovered this-

-Discovered what? - you ask even if there is an idea taking for in your mind. She is tired, too tired even for the situation, she isn't drinking and is out of character for her, and her hands laying on her stomach in a gesture you've seen countless of time in your career. 

-I'm pregnant Addison and I don't know what to do-. 

She is looking at you desperately, whit big blue eyes full of doubts and tears and pain. 

-I didn't know where to go, I didn't know who could help me. And then I thought of you and... - 

-It's okay. Meredith it's okay, everything will be okay. I'm here. I'm here until you want me and you will be fine, you Bailey, Zola and this one-

-Please don't leave me-she whispers and now she is falling to pieces, her face a mask of pain and lost love, and you hug her because it's the only thing you can do. 

(Cristina and Derek and Alex would know what to do, would help her instantly, but they're not here and she didn't remain in Seattle or went to Zurich, she came to you. She came to the ex-wife, to Satan, to the one who can better comprehend her position. She came to the neonatal surgeon who is the best in the country and will help her child, will help her taking care of the last piece of him Derek left her. 

And you will do everything you can to be what she needed). 

You feel her relax and her violent sobbs quoted to hiccups but you don't let her go, you keep her in you arms, her face on your shoulder, her hands clunching your shirt. 

-Thank you-

-Come, you have to sleep-. You take her hand and guide her to your bedroom, controlling the sleeping children in the process. You make her sit and help her undress and when you're sure she is comfortable under the cover she stops you from going away. 

-Stay here-. (It seems a terrible joke and what would people think hearing of this, hearing of your past and your story? It's a terrible idea, what would Zola or Henry think if they should wake up and find you in bed together?) 

-Okay-.

(You promised to help her in every possible way and if she needs you next to her to sleep you will lay down whit her and stroke her hairs and wipe away the remnant tears).


	3. Chapter 3

You found a routine. After a week you find a rhytm to make work this strange situation: the kids get up (Zola and Henry race down the stair even after you tell them it's dangerous and they can fall), you eat breakfast and then you go to work (not everyday because Meredith is getting better but she is still tired and you don't want to leave her whit three children for too long) while the kids play or swim or invent something else to keep them occupied; in the afternoon you put them to bed and Meredith sits beside you on the couch (sometime you speak of some cases or the kids or her pregnancy, but never of Derek, never of the past you share. More often then not, though, you are silent and deep in your thoughts and this last situation end whit a sleeping Meredith's head on your shoulder) ;then you make dinner because some things never change and Meredith is still incapable to cook, and after that the kids make you play whit them until it's time for bed (you and Meredith still sleep in the same one because you discover it's the only way to not spend the night awake). 

Some nights, while Meredith is upstairs you call Alex. Sometimes he doesn't answer and sometimes he does and you speak of Meredith and Amelia and Grey-Sloan (is still strange to refer at the hospital whit its new name, whit the name of Mark and his true love) and if one of you had a terrible morning you speak about it. He talks about the kids he couldn't save and you reassure him, tell him is part of the job and they can't all be saved. You speak of your patients, of the jealousy you feel, sometimes when you see the joy on those couples'faces, because you have a son, your beautiful little boy and you love him more than anything else in the world, but you feel lonely and you want that, a partner, a pregnancy (Ella, the girl that has never been, the one you killed because you couldn't let her live in a world like that, in a family like that, whit a father betraying constantly the mother and a mother pining for a man that run away).

It's a strange relationship the one you share whit Alex, you don't love him and he loves Jo(even if now the situation is complicated whit Derek dead and Meredith away and Amelia fighting to not give into the pressure, to not prove to everyone in that hospital they're right and she is not to be trusted, the other Shepherd, the addicted who will never recover) .(You're boiling whit rage because who do they think they are?! To believe they know Amelia and her battle and her courage and her history?! To think they have a right to judge her and question her ability when she surpasses every expectation?!). Anyway, you and Alex aren't in love but you're not sure you are friends, either, because he knows things about you that are secluded even to Naomi. But it's good this... Whatever it is...And you like it, and it's another thing you will loose when Meredith will go away. 

This night Alex is the one to call and is earlier than usual because the kids are still playing. You catch Meredith eyes and she nods, signaling she has it under control and you can go and speak whit him (she won't. She knows about the conversations but refuses to speak whit anyone from Seattle, maybe in fear they will pressure her to go back). 

-Hey, sorry if I call now, but I have a surgery in twenty minutes and I don't know when I'll finish-

-It's okay. Meredith is whit the children-

-How is she? -, he knows she is pregnant because he is her person and because you needed to tell this to someone, but he's good whit secrets so no one will hear a thing. 

-Good. She's good. She eats more and she sleeps better, if we're lucky for a night whitout interruptions-

-The children? - 

-Bailey is fine, sometimes he asks for Derek but he is still too little to really understand what happened. If he's sad, he play whit Henry and everything is perfect again. Zola misses him. Sometimes she cries, hidden from Meredith, and sometimes she has nightmares but nothing impossible to control-

-She really loved Derek and he really loved her. It was a love at first sight- he chuckles. 

-Anyway, it seems you have everything under control-

-Yeah. Amelia? - 

-She's fine. Now she's in surgery but she's fine, insisting she doesn't need a babysitter, but I think she's relieved to have someone thinking about her. Meredith's disappearance hasn't been easy for anyone-. Once upon a time it would have been impossible to hear him speaking like this (but not really, you remind yourself, remembering of those little gesture he did for you, for Satan:

"I would notice. If you went missing, I'd notice" 

"Because he was rude to you". 

Sometime you dream of what could have been...) 

-Now, chatting whit you is always a pleasure, but I have to go-

-Yeah, go save someone's life, Karev-

-As you order, Dr. Montgomery-.

~~~~~~

-Maggie called-she says in the middle of the night after an exhausting day. 

-Who called?-

-Maggie, my sister-. Seeing this answer doesn't dissipate your confusion she continue. -Ellis and Richard's daughter. She is five years younger than me and my mother put her up for adoption in Boston. She is head of cardio-. 

Her sister. Her other sister. Because you remember her sister. You remember brown hairs and sweet eyes, you remeber thinking she was barely a kid and she has that childish wonder about everything, about surgery and life. It was endearing, really. You remember the way Mark's eyes lighted up everytime he was speaking of her or simply hearing her name. You remeber jealousy and relief because he never did that whit you and you never did that whit him but what was so special about the Grey sisters anyway?! 

-So, Maggie called-

-Yeah-

-And you didn't answer-

-No-. 

You wait. Whit Meredith is always a game of patience. 

-She would have shouted and cried. She would have said they miss me and I need to go home. She would have speak of Richard and Callie and Alex and Arizona and Amelia. She would have said Derek would be disappointed... She... -. 

You hug her and tell her to breath. You reassure her that she is doing nothing wrong, that she will return when she is ready, that they understand (it's not even a lie. Alex tell you the exact same words the last time you speak). 

She nods, still clinging to you whit the desperation of someone who's drowning and has found the last anchor. 

-I can't go back. Not now, not until this baby is born, at least. And they will be angry, I know they will be... And maybe they have a reason, no I'm sure they have. Because my mother did the same thing and I was so mad...-.

This is new but she is too cought up in her speech to realize you are listening. 

-When Richard left her, she run away. Boston. In the middle of the night. I'm like her... I run and avoid....-

-Meredith... Meredith, breath... Look at me, Meredith look at me.... You are not your mother-

-Yes, yes I am. When Richard chose Adele she... She slithered her wrists in front of me... I was sitting on the floor, looking at her....The blood, so much blood! And she said... She said to call the ambulance only after she had lost coscience... She made me promised to be extraordinary.... She wanted Richard to know and to came back but he never knew and he never returned... -. She is crying now, breathing heavenly and you don't know what do to but let her speak. 

-I thought about it, you know? Because the last time I died, when I drowned, there were Dylan...the bomb squad guy... And Doc, and Denny... And this nurse who used to work whit my mother and who my mother adored working whit.... And then Denny and Bonnie.... The girl who died because we chose to save tho other guy... Do you remember, tho ones who were impaled.... It was the night he chose you.... And so I thought... Maybe, if I die there will be George and Lexie and Mark and... And Derek.... -. 

You are crying, your tears are falling and there is a lump in your throat and you don't know what to do. So you hug her, you simply hug her and wait for exhaustion to take a hold of her, to her sobbing to slow down and for her to fall asleep in your arms. 

It's a miracle you didn't wake the kids. 

(You reply her words, the story she told, her mother and Richard and this Maggie who triggered it all. You think of what she said, of what she saw. You think of your own mother and all her secrets and you feel soffucated. You think of seeing Meredith blue and white and dead while no one had the courage to give up on her. You think of your heart beating faster and your mind spinning. You think of that truth only Mark discovered simply looking in your teary eyes.).


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning you woke up to Zola shaking you and calling your name. 

-What's happening, sweetie? - 

-Mommy doesn't feel well. She is throwing up in the bathroom-

-Don't worry, Zola. Is nothing serious. Now I will go to make sure she is alright while you wake the boys, so we can have breakfast, okay? -. 

She nods and you meet Meredith in the hallway. She really isn't fine. 

-Morning sickness- she explains.-Did I wake you? - 

-Zola. She said you were throwing up. Meredith I think it's time you tell the children you're pregnant. You will start to show anytime now and Zola is a smart kid: she will realize something changed soon enough-

-I know. You're right. I don't want to have this conversation. She will ask questions and... - 

-I know and I know you can do it. It will be alright Meredith-

-Yeah, I'll tell them today, after breakfast-

-Good. Do you want to be alone, the three of you? - you ask caution but she laughs, a genuine laugh. - God, no. Firstly this is your house, who am I to kick you out of your own house? Secondly, Baylei will tell Henry he is going to be a big brother the first chance he has and thirdly I need you. I need you to help me explain them their father died but he left us whit a child to remember him by-

-Okay, then. Now, I think is time to go because I asked Zola to wake the boys so we can have breakfast-

-Let's go, then. Is dangerous to let three ravenous children waiting-. 

You are glad to see her smile, especially after last night. But maybe she is so happy because of last night, because she shared some of her baggage whit someone else, because she feels more free.

(Maybe you should do it, too. Talking about your dark and twisty toughts. Not whit her who has enough problems. Maybe whit Alex, who listens to your rambling and your concerns. Yeah, you will try). 

You don't know how to do it and it seems neither do Meredith. You are on the couch the kids in front of you, studying you. 

-Mommy what is it? - 

-Are you sick? Before you were sick-. 

-No, sweetie, I'm not sick. Is... Is a good thing-

-Why? - 

-Because it means that in some months (five if she will carry ful term. She was three month along when she came to you and before she has been in Boston. Like her mother) you will have a little brother or a little sister-. 

You see the confusion on the girl's face. This is the moment Meredith has been dreading. 

-Daddy died- she says simply and Meredith hands are shaking so you grasp them and she moves closer to you. 

-Yes, Zola. He is dead. But before dying he left us whit your baby brother or baby sister-

-And where is it? The baby where is it? -. 

You breath relieved because this you can do, whit this you can help. 

-In your mommy's tummy and it will stay there for some more months then, when he or she is ready, he will come out-. 

Bailey looks at you in wonder and for a moment you fear you did something wrong then he looks at Henry and exclaims - I will be a big brother-

-Yes,Bailey. Now, why dont you all go to play while I speak whit your mom of some boring grown up things? -. 

-Are you alright? - 

-Yes- she breaths, wiping away some tears. - Yes I am. Is just that... Telling them, now it seems more real. I'm going to be a mother and my husband is dead and... - 

-And you'll be a fantastic mother and you won't be alone. You have friends and family ready to help you. You have me until you're ready to return and even then you only have to call and I will help you in any possible way-you interrupts her. 

-Thank you. Now, I think maybe we can go out, take the children for a walk or something. Is such a beautiful day is a shame wasting it inside-. 

You agree and when she get up for preparing the children you allow yourself some minutes of despair. Could you have done this? Being a single mother whit a career? You need to speak whit someone. 

-Addison, are you alright? - 

-Yes, yes I am-.

~~~~~~

The day is beautiful. The children are happy. Meredith is smiling. You feel on the brink of an abyss. 

That night you order pizza because the children insist you have to celebrate and while Meredith is setting the table you disappear for a moment. 

-Alex? - your trembling and he must notice because he tells someone this is important and he have to take this. 

-What is it? Addison! Are you alright? - 

-I was pregnant. I was pregnant and then I killed her-. 

You know you are not making any sense but you are too occupied controlling your breathing and your tears. 

He sighs. - Breath. In and out. In... And out. In. Out-he orders, softening his voice, until you aren't on the verge of panic anymore. 

-Good. Now, talk to me-

-In New York I stayed whit Mark and I was pregnant and I aborted it and I'm a terrible person and a terrible mother and... - 

-Breath-

-Okay, okay. I'm okay. I aborted the baby because Mark was betraying me whit every woman he met and I was in love whit Derek and I couldn't bring a child into that mess- you keep rambling, finding justifications and then blaming you and he doesn't speak until your finished, until you are waiting for something, judge or absolution. 

-You are not a terrible mother and certainly you are not a terrible person. You took Meredith in when she was desperate, you're taking care of her and her children, you're a great doctor and from what Amelia tell me of your son you are far from a terrible mother. You did what you think was the right thing and I'm sure you didn't take that decision lightly-

-I didn't. It was a girl. I know it was a girl. Ella-

-It's a beautiful name-

-Thank you and thank you for listening, I'm sure you have more important things to do-

-Well, I am invited to dinner whit Maggie and Amelia, but call me when you want, Addison. It's a pleasure-

-Thank you- you repeat whit a small smile. 

-Can I ask what prompt these thoughts? - 

-Meredith told the children she's pregnant-

-How did they take it? - he asks concerned and you smile, proud and amazed. The cocky intern you met years ago would have never reacted in this way (you like to think some of the merit of his transformation is yours). 

-Bailey is excited to be a big brother-

-I can imagine- he chuckles and you join him whit your laughter. 

-Zola was a little confused whit the fact that Derek is dead but Meredith explains it pretty well-

-Good. I'm glad they're fine Addison and this is only thank to you-

-I did nothing- you reply because it's true. 

-You did everything-. You're going to argue when you hear the others calling you. 

-I have to go, dinner's ready. Alex, thank you-

-Anytime-. 

You keep looking at the phone, reassured and calmer, and you remember a thing Derek said about Meredith and Cristina, about how they will always been the first one, how everithing is subordinated to that strange relationship. 

Can this thing whit Alex be like that? Can he be your person, even if he's Meredith's? (Can this thing continue when she will return to Seattle? Can you and Meredith keep contact even then, even when life will return to normal and your help won't be necessary?) 

(Yes, please, yes). 

-Everything's okay? - Meredith asks when you finally join them at the table. 

-Yes, don't worry. Everything's perfect-. 

-Mommy, when will my brother be born? - 

-There is time, dear-

-And who said is a boy? Maybe is a girl. Mommy I want a girl! - 

-No, boys are better-

-Henry! Don't say things like that! - 

-Mommy I already have a brother! I want a little sister, so I can play whit her-

-It doesn't work like that, Zozo. I can't control if the baby will be a boy or a girl-. 

None of the kids seem pleased whit the answer. 

-Mommy-

-Yes Henry? - 

-I want a brother, too-. 

You start coughing surprised because Henry has never complained about being an only child (but it makes sense. He spent the last month with other children who will have a new brother or sister, so is obvious and normal he would want someone to play whit and to teach things... But how can you tell him you can't give him wath he asks, that the fact you have him is nothing short of a miracle (because you remember all the adoptions that have never been, the treatments who came near to kill you, the tears and the pain and then him, your golden boy....). How can you explain it to him whitout breaking his heart and his world?). 

Is Meredith to take control of the situation, to distract the children and urge them to finish their pizza while you're quite nauseous and plagued by too many thoughts. 

~~~~~~

-Are you alright? - 

-I can't. I can't get pregnant and I can't do this another time. Not alone. He knows he is adopted even if I'm not sure what exactly he understood. Anyway, he knows I didn't birthed him but that I was there, whit his biological mother. He never asked about a brother or a sister and I never thought about it-. 

You're gritting your teeth in an effort to contain the tears and your trembling hands are clutching the sheet. 

-I'm so sorry, Addison. It's my fault... - 

-No. No it's not. It was bound to happen.. It's only that I don't know how explain it to him. And I know I can try whit adoption another time but before him there were too many close calls and everytime I return home whit nothing a part of me died. I can't do it again, I'm not strong enough and so, because I'm selfish and weak, I can't give my son what he wants-. 

-You're not weak. You're strong. And I'm sure if you explain it to Henry he will understand. He's a smart kid and he's sweet and sensible and he loves you, Addison. And we know better than anybody that the love of a son is not to be taken for granted-. She bites her lips and lowers her gaze, clasping your hand. (There is electricity and you're heart beats faster. 

"You're in love whit her" Mark said a long time ago and you didn't have the strength to deny it. You simply cried in his arms while Meredith was dead, drowned in the bay). 

-There was a shooting, once. A man who wanted to kill Richard, Lexie and Derek because he was convinced they killed his wife. He killed two people, residents from Mercy West, Reed and Percy. That morning I discovered I was pregnant and I was exctatic. I wanted to tell Derek. And then Derek was shot, and Cristina operated him, and that man was pointing a gun at her head. He shot Owen and I had to operate him, while my best friend was saving my husband's life. I had a miscarriage and I operated trough it, because Cristina was saving my husband and I needed to save Owen-

-I didn't know-, because is the best you can offer, even if it's not enough. (You ponder on telling her about Ella but it's a conversation for another time, when you will be less tired). 

-Speak whit Henry, I will be whit you, if you want-

-Thank you-

-You're welcome. Now, is time to sleep-, she whispers smiling and wiping away your tears. 

(She holds you, her arms around your shoulders and your head on her chest, and this position is anything but innocent. It's too comfortable and you're too tired and the children are sleeping, worn out by the day full of playing and news and no one will ever know. It's a secret, and you and Meredith are the best at keeping them). 

~~~~~~

True to her words, Meredith tells Zola to control Bailey who is playing whit some of Henry's toys (even if the boys refer to them as their toys. How safe it is to become so attached for the three of them?), while you ask Henry to sit down because you have to tell him something. 

-Sweetie, do you remember what you asked me yesterday, about wanting a little brother? -. 

He nods eagerly. 

-Are you really sure you want it? - 

-I'd like- he says. - There is a brother in your tummy? Like Meredith? -. 

(Why, why, did you agree to this? Why did you allow Meredith to come into your life?). 

-No, Henry-

-Oh-

-The fact is... Henry, you know how you're adopted, right? - 

-Yes, like Zola. But Bailey was in Merediths tummy, like the new baby-

-Yes, dear. It's right. However I can't do this-

-You can't have a baby like Meredith? - 

-I can't-. 

He's silent for such a long time anguish is killing you, there are dark spots in front of you and your breakfast is heavy in your stomach. (What the Hell were you thinking? What the Hell were you thinking? What the Hell...) 

-Addison, breath-. Meredith's hand is running trough your hair, her voice is grounding you while your son is still silent whit knitted eyebrows and can he please say something to put you out of your uncertainty?! 

-I'm sorry, mommy-

-What? - 

-I'm sorry- he repeats hugging you and you find Meredith eyes and she is smiling and her hand is still on your back. 

-It's not a problem, mommy. I don't need a brother now, we can wait-(yeah. You can wait, maybe when he will be older, when you will be stronger, when Derek will be dead for some time and Meredith will be returned to her family). 

-Are you alright? - she whispers concerned and you nods because (everything consider) you really are alright.


	5. Chapter 5

Time flies. Henry never asked you again for another child and Zola and Bailey constantly bicker over the baby, explaining to you and Meredith the pros and cons of having a boy or a girl. Things are better, there are less tears and more smiles and you hope selfishly (you've always been selfish, hoping for everything and finding yourself whit nothing) that this doesn't end. 

The baby starts moving, a very active little thing, especially at night when Meredith wants to sleep (you're sharing the bed still because is comfortable and you feel a little less lonely and neither of you can find a reason why you shouldn't) and so you're awake, too, thanks to Meredith constantly movements. 

And then, finally comes, the day the kids have been waiting for since they discover the pregnancy. 

-So, a boy or a girl? - Meredith asks impatiently. 

-It seems little Zola will be very happy when her mommy will return home-

-A girl? - she asks and she smiles a little sad. You squeeze her hand because you know what she is thinking, what she is dreading and hoping for at the same time. (A child whit Derek's hair and Derek's smile and Derek's eyes. A little Amy, a little troublemaker, sweet and lovable and beautiful like her aunt). 

You're going to say all of this things when she squeeze your hand back and smiles the most happy smile you've ever seen on her face. It's beautiful. She's beautiful. 

-I want to call Alex-she whispers fearful but you simply pass her a phone and waited for someone to answer at the other end of the country. 

-Alex-

-Meredith-, there are tears and doubts in her eyes. You caress her hands and the smile returns a little less bright. 

-I'm pregnant- she says, even if he already knows. - A girl-

-Mere, is beautiful-. 

They keep speaking for some more minutes and not even once he mentions her return or the people waiting for her. Your grateful (selfish). 

-Addison- she calls you when you're returning home. - I'm happy- she's confessing this like she's confessing a terrible crime. 

You take her hand (you're amazed at how she doesn't reject so much physical contact. You know she isn't its biggest fan) and make her look at you. 

-I know you are happy and this is a beautiful thing. It means your life didn't end whit Derek's dead. And he would be so glad to know this-

-Thank you-

-For what? - 

-For everything. For being here. For not leaving me alone-.

~~~~~~

-Guess who will have a little sister? - 

-Yes! - 

-No! -. 

Meredith chuckles at their antics. 

-Be good, Bailey. I'm sure you're going to be a great brother even if she's a girl and I'm sure she will play whit you like you play whit Zola-. 

He doesn't seems convinced but nods anyway while Zola is smiling brightly. 

-I'm sure she will love you, Bailey- 

-Yeah, I love you-

-Thanks Zozo-. 

You smile, ruffling his hair while he's running upstairs and Meredith shakes her head amused. 

-Do you have any idea? For the name? - 

-Lexie. I want my sister's name but I'm not sure if as first or second-

-There's still time. When you'll have her in your arms you will know which is better-

-And you? If you ever had a daughter what would've been her name? -. 

Ella. Again. Coming to torment you. A ghost that's not even a ghost because she simply is never been in the first place. 

-Addison? - 

You told Alex. You told Naomi. Meredith told you about the miscarriage. 

-I was pregnant whit Mark baby. I aborted her because I couldn't bring a child into the mess that were our lives. Ella. I would have like to call her Ella-

-It's a beautiful name and she would have been a beautiful child. But you did the right thing. Trust me, having a child when you aren't completely sure is never the answer. I know what I'm talking about-. 

You believe her because for the few times you met her Ellis Grey was anything but maternal. 

-Do you miss her? You're sister-. 

Such a stupid and painful question but you need to change topic of conversation (selfish). 

-Of course I miss her and if someone told me that the first time we met I would have laughed. I hated her then because she had a loving family, because whit her Thatcher was a father, because I was Jealous and envious and angry and it was easy to believe I hated her. I know it's childish and I regret it, all the time we wasted because of me. But I love her and she loved me and when she was dying she told Mark to tell me I was a great sister, even if I know it's not true, not really-. She takes a shaking breath, her eyes are shining but she isn't crying. - I wasn't there when my sister died. I was looking for Derek. And when I returned she was no more. Her body was eaten by wolf. She didn't get a proper burial. And when Derek died there was only me, telling him it was okay to go, that we would have been alright-. Another breath. - And Amelia hates me. When I look at her she is full of anger... Because I didn't call her when her own brother was dying. Because I know what it means to not be whit them in their last moments and she has a right to be angry... But I couldn't breath. In that moment, I couldn't think of anything else but that my world was ending... - 

-Meredith, listen. Amy is angry and is hurt but she doesn't hate you. I know Amelia, she is practically my little sister, and yes, you're right, she did have a right to be whit Derek. But that is the past and you have to think about the future. And when you'll return home you'll speak whit Amelia, you will listen and you will speak and you will cry and then you will go on whit your life, together, like sisters-

-Okay. You're right. But now, I think we should do something funnier than cry about past and lost chances. Call the kids, we're going for a swim-. 

You laugh agreeing whit her. Past is past and you can't change that, you can live the moment and wonder about the future. 

(Plaese, please don't let this day end, you pray, watching Zola splashing Bailey and Henry and Meredith, hands resting on her baby bump, standing on the shore. 

You seem a family, cocooned in your little bubble of happiness. 

-Addison, come here- you take her outstretched hand and join the kids).


	6. Chapter 6

-What is it? -. 

It's the middle of the night and you were having a beautiful dream of you and Meredith and the kids together and happy, like a family, and you don't want to get up. 

-I want ice cream-

-Ice cream? - you repeat sleepy. Did you mention is the middle of the night? 

-Meredith is too early for breakfast-

-My child doesn't think so. She craves ice cream. Please. She's hungry-. 

Is some sort of a routine. She craves ice cream. Nearly every night. And this wouldn't be a problem if not because she craves always different flavours. So, every night, you have to get up and buy ice cream, hoping she haven't changed her mind when you returned. 

-Okay... If it's for the baby- 

-Thank you-

-Nothing to thank me for-

-You're buying me ice cream at four in the morning, I think there is a lot to thank you for- she replies smiling. You're happy she's smiling. Lately she's always tired and sleep eludes her (the baby is still moving and you know for every kick and every punch and every scan and every smile and every laugh she thinks of Derek who isn't whit her, who's missing it all, who died whitout knowing his wife was pregnant).

You're lucky because she eats her ice cream whitout complains (usually there are a lot. When something's wrong she starts ranting and blubbering and sometime crying and you have the double job to calm her and shield the kids from the crises) and then lay on the bed, facing you. 

-I know I'm not an easy person to be around to-

-You're pregnant, Meredith. Is normal.. Ehy, don't cry, what is it, don't cry... - 

-I miss him but I miss him because I had him and then I didn't. This child won't miss him, not really, because she will never know him, she will never have him... - 

-But of course she will know him. She will know him thanks to you and the kids and Alex and Amy and all the people at the hospital. She will see him in photographs and she will know her daddy loved her very much, even if he didn't meet her. She will be loved, Meredith, and he won't be forgotten-. 

She smiles and your gazes are locked and she is beautiful even when she's crying, when her eyes are shining and red and puffy, and there is a shifting in the air and you close your eyes, willing your heart to stop beating so fats, while you kiss her, at the corner of her mouth (in the brief seconds before your lips come in contact whit her skin you calculate the exact angolation so it can seem an accident, a kiss on the cheek whit a wrong aim). 

-Goodnight- you whisper whitout meeting her eyes. 

-Goodnight- she smiles, holding you against her chest, leaving a kiss in your hair. 

~~~~~

You woke up to a silent home and in your house there is no silence, not since Meredith and her kids arrived. So it's only normal your thinking about all the things that can happened, from the most innocent to the most tragic, that can explain the disappearance of a woman and three kids. You're going mad whit worry until you see the note Meredith left for you. 

"We're gone for a walk. You were so peaceful I didn't allow the kids to wake you. Don't worry, we will return soon whit breakfast. 

Mere". 

You exhale and start making coffee and setting the table and doing anything to distract you from what happened last night. From what you made happen last night. From your kiss and Meredith's kiss and your cuddling. But it's not strange. Friends cuddle, right? And kiss each other's cheek or hair or forehead, right? 

(No they don't, and if they do they surely don't overthink the situation. 

But you're friends. You and Meredith are only friends because you can't allow yourself the luxury to dream of something else, of something more. Not when she will return home in less than five months. Not when you both have little kids to care for. Not when she's still grieving Derek) 

(The problem is: you're already doing this. You're already dreaming and falling and no one will be there to help you getting up). 

-Alex-

-Ehy- he is in a rush and you recognize trough the phone the distorted noises of a busy ER.

-It's a bad moment? - 

-No, don't worry. Speak-

-I have a problem- you bit your lips because this is a secret you've tried to run from for a very long time. 

-What happened? - 

-I'm in love whit Meredith- you hold your breath and squeeze your eyes, waiting for his anger or his judgment. 

-And this is a problem, because... - 

-Because I can't be in love whit her and she is in love whit Derek and Derek is dead and she's pregnant whit his child and she doesn't love me. I ran from her and Mark said it was wrong and stupid and... - 

-Addison! Breath- he exclaims failing to hold back a laugh. 

-Don't laugh! Friends don't laugh when a friend has a problem-

-Okay. You're right. What exactly make you think she doesn't love you? - 

-She married my ex-husband-

-You ran away, in a hurry, whiteout any explanation-

-She had eyes for Derek, only for Derek. You know what happened at prom, right? - 

-Yes I know and who said she wasn't looking you? - 

-Please- you scoff rolling your eyes. 

You hear his sigh. - Addie, listen. We can discuss this for hours and will be useless. What happened that freaked you out? - and you explain last night (the ice cream and the kiss, not that you sleep in the same bed. For some reason this seme more private) and when you finished you can feel his smile. - You buy her ice-cream in the middle of the night? - 

-She wants it and this is not the point-

-You're right. The point is you kissed Meredith and Meredith give you a kiss. And Meredith has never kissed me or Cristina and we are her people or whatever. Think about it while I'm going saving a kid-. 

And you think and think and think. You think about it all day and all night, laying motionless near Meredith. 

It's right. She doesn't kiss people like this. She doesn't like physical contact. 

Or maybe you're so delusional you want to see something more in an innocent gesture. After all it was night, she was tired, maybe she wasn't even conscious of what she was doing. 

(There are tears streaming down your cheek and a lump in you're troath and you're holding your breath and your sobbs. You can't wake her. She will want explanation and you aren't strong enough to see rejection written on her face. You aren't strong enough to watch her pack in a hurry and leave whit the kids. You aren't strong enough to remain alone or to loose her or to explain Henry why his friends went away. 

You simply are too weak).


	7. Chapter 7

You're relationship with Meredith doesn't changed and this is the most amazing thing. Except that she gives you a kiss, on the forehead, before going to bed (how could you return to sleep alone when she won't be here anymore?) and you do the same. But this is nothing. This is just two friends sharing affection. It's no big deal. Except it is because Alex's (and Mark's) words torment you, creating a future of light and color in which the six of you live together happily ever after. (You're playing with fire and you will burn and you hope that knowing it will make it hurt a little less).

Only two months to go, even less you think but don't say because you don't want to scare her. The baby is healthy but Meredith has history of difficult pregnancies and you are convinced she won't carry full term. 

You decide is useless worrying so much and decide to live your dream until it last, to live it in full because life is too short (look at Derek or George or the babies you didn't saved). 

-I'm fat-

-You're pregnant-

-And fat. And my feet hurt. And my back hurts. And the kids want to play and I'm too tired-. 

-You lay down. I play with the children-

-Thanks-. 

The kids are sitting around one of Zola's doll. 

-What are you doing? - 

-Operating- Henry shouts excited and you chuckle because there is no denying they are surgeones'children. Great surgeons. 

-Can I help? - 

-No-

-And why not? - you ask surprised. Usually they're happy when you or Meredith join them. 

-Because you makes baby born and our patient doesn't have a baby. She has a brain bleeding-. 

Zola is Derek child. There is no denying this. 

-Okay. But call me if you need anything- you say joining Meredith in your room. 

-Weren't you with the kids? - 

-Apparently I'm useless when it come to a brain bleeding. I help moms having babies. I think when she said so there was a note

of disdain in your daughter's voice-. 

Meredith laughs before laying her head on your shoulder and you, instinctively, run a hand trought her hair, lulling her to sleep.

You inhale her perfume, finding yourself addicted to the fragrance. Lavander. It suits her. 

-Addison- she whispers sleepy

-Yeah? - 

-I love you-. 

I love you as a friend and there is no need for you're heart beating so fast or for the idiotic blush spreading on your face, making you red as your hair. 

You expect her to notice or comment but she doesn't. She's asleep, lulled by your caresses and you are tempted to do the same, to indulge in the pleasure your dreams always provide. You don't. Because the kids may need you. Because you are too attached. Because you played with fire and you're already burnt.

~~~~~

-Ellis- she says the next morning, when you're watching the dawn while the kids are still sleeping. 

-Ellis Alexandra Grey Shepherd-

-Is a beautiful name- you smile and she takes your hand in hers squeezing it. 

-You'll have your daughter, Addie. Maybe not now but someday I know you'll have your Ella-. Then she return to her daughter's name. 

-This journey, away from Seattle, it helped me to understand my mother better, to fully accept maybe that I am who I am also because of some of her choices. I made peace whit her, with that part of my past-. 

You nod. You haven't done that with Bizzy, not completely, because you're doing like her, living a good life but not one that make you feel whole and you know without Meredith this will be impossible. 

-Addie? - 

-I'm okay-. 

She's beautiful and radiant and perfect but most of all she's really at peace, with her mother, with Derek, with herself. 

-You're extraordinary- you whisper (tempted to reveal everything, right here, embraced by the firsts sun rays, while you're the only two in the world).

-Mommy! I'm hungry! -. 

The bubble shatters and you return to reality.


	8. Chapter 8

And then it happens what you predicted. Meredith wakes you one night, eyes full of panic and fear. 

-The baby... - she whispers and you take only one second to stop your fear and force yourself to reason as a doctor. You knew it. It's no surprise. 

You help Meredith dress and tell Zola to wake the boys, that her baby sister is coming and you need to go to the hospital. Then she is in the OR and you're waiting whit Henry and Bailey eventually falling asleep and Zola perched on the chair and looking ready to run. 

-She will be alright... - and is more a question than a statement but you nod, running a hand on her back like Meredith does with you when your stressed. 

-Daddy wasn't alright-. She's looking at you with eyes full of tears and you take her hands in yours, giving her the attention she really needs. 

-It's different, sweetie. Your daddy was really sick and it was an accident.. A special situation. Your mommy is giving birth to your sister and I promise you nothing will go wrong-. 

You hope you're right because this is your job and you didn't save everyone. 

-Okay. I trust you-. She puts her head on your lap and in a moment she's sleeping. 

You look at the three of them another time before taking out your phone. 

-Alex...Meredith's in labor...Yeah, I'm with them. They're asleep...Okay... - 

-Addison- he calls you before hanging up - did you tell her?-

-No-.

He sighs resigned and a bit frustrated but you know is only a way to not think of Meredith in a OR, of everything that could go wrong. 

At the end nothing went wrong and mother and daughter are fine. 

Ellis is beautiful and she has Derek's eyes (and you know every baby eyes are blue at the beginning but this is not the point). 

-She's amazing, Mere-

-She's like him- she's crying but are happy tears, you know it. 

-Yeah-

-You want to hold her? - and without waiting for an answer she puts the child in your arms, giving her attention to the other kids. 

The child is really beautiful and you feel your heart breaking. Is it really the beginning of the end?

~~~~~~

Yes it is, you discover some weeks later, when Alex comes for taking her home. 

-Tell her-he whispers in your ear while Meredith and Zola and Bailey are saying goodbye to Henry. (The kids are crying and you want to copy them). 

-I can't-

-You'll regret it-he warns you and he's right but you really can't. 

-She's in love whit Derek- are your finale words. 

Meredith hugs you and (it's your imagination) she lingers more than necessary. 

-I'll miss you, Addie. I love you-(as a friend) 

-Me too, Mere. Me too-(I love you, too) (not as a friend). 

You remind her of your promise to call each other and she thanks you another time. 

-So, if I have a meltdown I can still call you? -. Alex laughs and hugs you - Sure, but only if I can do the same-

-What am I? You're person? - you joke but his answer let you stunned.

-Sure. We can say so. You're my person and I'm yours-

-But Meredith... - 

-There's still Yang and who says you can only have one person? -. 

Yeah, he really grown up and maybe is really also thank to you. 

You hug the kids and watch them leave, Henry crying and a weight setting on your heart. 

-Come on, sweetie. Let's go inside-. 

You take his hand, the other in your pocket's jeans, where you find a piece of paper.

"This is not the end. She loves you, I know it. Don't give up". 

Karev, you think shaking your head, a small smile lighting your face.


End file.
